next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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