i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
