so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
