No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
