I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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