They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
