My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
