I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
