I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
