Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
