took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize