She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
