News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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