UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
