turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
