Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
