I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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