o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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