you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
