Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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