i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Text me some of your sweat
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
