Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
