you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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