I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
