Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
