i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
