6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
