I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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