I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize