I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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