Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
