you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
