i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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