oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
