Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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