You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
