So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
