Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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