That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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