So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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