Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
