Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
