Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I want a musical about memes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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