broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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