I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
