i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
