i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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