First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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