Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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