yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
