I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
