Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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