K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sorry about my life...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
