Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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