I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
