I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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