my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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