just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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