im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
