She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
3pm strippers are depressing
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
