I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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