Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
